I am a teacher and aspiring writer, and keep a blog to keep up with writing and document the daily moments that make up my life. Working with my students & travel writing are my biggest passions. People, art, food, wine/spirits, and culture are other writing interests. Thanks for coming by!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I have so far yet to go.

Why is it that when one huge milestone is finally right in front of me, I begin to think of all the shortcomings I have, and start thinking about all of the ways in which I am not "there" yet? I am finally days away from getting my teaching credential after two year straight of eating, sleeping and breathing teaching. And instead of getting to enjoy this moment, my mind races straight to how much weight I want to lose, and how overwhelming it is to try to even begin getting there. And how I need to find a teaching job for the fall, and how I need to make more money than my nanny job will provide in the spring, and how I'm not as good of a cook as I'd like to be, or as clean or efficient or organized as I would like to be, and on and on and on. There is the version of me that I dream of, and the version of me that I am. It makes me really sad, because it feels like I always think I will be happy when I reach this next goal, and the goal is achieved, but instead of enjoying it, immediately all of my shortcomings come to mind and the joy is lost. Not that I don't feel joy often in life, I do. It's just that often big moments that I've highly anticipated in life have almost always been anticlimactic. Do other people experience this too, or is it just me? I am not trying to sabotage any chance at happiness I have in life, because I am often happy. But I have so many fundamental things about myself that I'd like to change. It's hard to know where to begin when you feel like you could improve in every possible way. And why haven't I written in years, or submitted anything in years? What is holding me back from running straight for my dreams? What's the worst that could happen? Another cranky editor can tell me that my writing is too abstract? Whatever. Life goes on. I want to take steps to be a better person. Not that I need a better heart, at least that part of me is good. But better motivation to pursue my dreams and not give up and believe I CAN. They say the hardest thing is to begin. They couldn't be more right. At least for me, it couldn't be more true.

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