I am a teacher and aspiring writer, and keep a blog to keep up with writing and document the daily moments that make up my life. Working with my students & travel writing are my biggest passions. People, art, food, wine/spirits, and culture are other writing interests. Thanks for coming by!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Speak Your Truth and Set Yourself Free

It would be an understatement to say it's been a rough year for me when it comes to family relationships. I'm not going to get specific as to who I'm talking about, and it has been different family members at different times, to tell the truth.
However, due to these challenges, I've had some revelations.
I already knew that I hated confrontations.
But what I didn't realize, until tonight, was how much I held inside because of it.
And what has holding it in done for me? I believe it's one of the reasons that I've gained weight, because I internalize the feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment that I feel. It has caused me health problems and kept me up at night worrying.
I was so afraid to communicate and speak my truth that I would have conversations in my head about what I would say to someone I was upset with, or what I was going to say, but I would never say it. What was the cost? All of the things I already mentioned, and so much more. The disentegration of these relationships because I could not speak my truth, yet was harboring anger or resentment at the way people treated me.
But tonight, all of that began to change. After a VERY upsetting exchange with a relative, I wrote to her and told her everything I was thinking and feeling. It wasn't derogatory, it wasn't awful or horrible, but it was honest. Honest about how I really felt about the way she treated me. And I didn't hold back. And it felt SO DAMN GOOD!
It felt good because instead of being the constant people-pleaser (look where that's gotten me - nowhere!) I finally spoke my truth. I honored myself. And I don't think I've ever done that. Ever. And I'm 34 years old.
I always cared way more about everyone else's feelings, but kept stifling and squashing my own.
Well, not anymore. I am one of those people with a very long fuse. I take a lot before I reach my limit. And it used to be that when I reached my limit, there would be an implosion. Those days are over. There's going to be an explosion, and everybody better look out. Because I am going to speak my truth from here on out, and I don't care what anybody thinks or says anymore.
Life is too short to waste it walking on eggshells hoping everybody is happy or wondering "why aren't they happy?" or wondering if it was something I did or said that made them unhappy.
I want people to be happy, but I also think that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. It's not my job anymore. It never was. I was just under the very false impression that it was for a very long time for some reason.
I'm going to be real and speak my truth and I don't care about who cares or who listens.
All I know is that I'm being true to me, and that's all that matters.
For the first time in my life, I feel free.

1 comment:

Jessica Rios said...

This is just beautiful, Yeni. There is no more important relationship in life than the one you have with yourself, and you are living it with the potency of TRUTH! Few people really ever come to terms with what that means. Nice work, sista!